When you want kids but your partner doesn't

When Stacey met her boyfriend, he was up-front about not wanting marriage or kids.

"I was young and just succumbed to the fact that it's his choice," 46-year-old Stacey (not her real name) from Naarm/Melbourne says.

She spent the next 16 years largely content with their child-free life, until a moment of clarity while looking through old photos at her grandfather's funeral.

"I was thinking what a beautiful family I have come from.

"Something triggered me to think I'm not going to accept not having a family of my own; I'm going to start putting myself first." 

Relationships Australia NSW CEO Elisabeth Shaw says the ramifications of someone who wants children missing out are significant.

"It is something that can cause regret and sorrow across the life span."

And yet if you find yourself in this situation, it might not feel that clear cut.

An 'uncomfortable tension'

Stacey shared the revelation with her partner. His view remained unchanged, and they broke up.

"I said if I'm not doing it with you, I'm not young anymore, I'm going to do it on my own."

Ms Shaw says it's unsurprising differing desires for children can end a relationship, even when it's otherwise "loving and rewarding".

While relationships face many challenges, she says a disagreement over having children is particularly stressful.

"In effect, the person is forced to choose between the person in front of them and the unknown child in the future."

Ms Shaw says it raises an "uncomfortable tension about power and control", leading to questions around how one would be compensated for the loss of not becoming a parent if they decided to stay in the relationship.

Your partner not wanting kids might also be interpreted as a lack of commitment to the relationship, even when that's not the case, according to Ms Shaw.

"Unfortunately, as having children is meant to be normal progress for a couple, doing the exceptional still raises doubts and comments."

What to do?

Parenthood clarity mentor Ann Davidman works with individuals to explore whether having children is for them.

She says when each person has clarity around their own desires, as well as their partner's — especially the reasons driving them — decision-making conversations become easier.

"Understanding the depth of each other's desire with care and respect is very important.

"It is not about convincing the other person to come over to your side."

Ms Shaw warns for those who want to have a baby, it would be dangerous not to take their partner's opposing view seriously.

Making the mistake of hoping a 'no' may mean 'not yet' risks them missing out. Especially for women as their "child-bearing years" pass by waiting, she says.

"I have spoken to many people who went on to observe their partner enjoying [other people's] children, finding them cute, and taking that as evidence they were on their way to changing their mind, only to be shocked when it wasn't."

Ultimately if you really want kids and it's clear your partner doesn't, Ms Shaw says it's "likely a deal-breaker for the relationship".

Otherwise you run the risk of never feeling truly compensated for that loss.

Making a sacrifice

For those who decide to sacrifice their desire for children to stay, Ms Shaw recommends professional support.

The decision to stay in the relationship could be sound for now, she says, but is "fundamentally predicated on the relationship staying strong and successful".

"The one who wanted children can benefit from seeing a counsellor separately to really test their position and ensure they can manage the sacrifice they may feel like they are making."

Feeling ambivalent?

If you're unsure about children, you may feel stuck in a state of limbo.

But ambivalence is sometimes less about parenthood and more about the relationship, according to Ms Davidman.

That could explain the stories you hear about someone not wanting children or marriage, only to later commit to both with a future partner — something Stacey relates to.

"Six months after we broke up, my ex was married."

But Stacey says she doesn't look back. She's now a solo mum to two children, aged three and one.

They were conceived using donated embryos, after a long and difficult journey of IVF treatment.

"I cried when I first became a mum; tears of happiness," Stacey says.

She rarely thinks about her past relationship, and says she's pleased she went down this path.

"Yes, being a solo parent can be daunting. It would be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off, or handball the baby to, to get some time alone, and there's not much left in the bank once bills are paid.

"But I couldn't be happier. I can make all the decisions myself. I raise my children how I want to and they are thriving."

Stacey says her supportive family and solo mums network of friends are her "village".