How Alexandra decided to become a solo mum

In her late 30s, Alexandra Collier found herself single and keen for a baby.

The Melbourne-based writer had spent much of her 30s in a relationship with a man she thought might end up being the father of her child.

But when the relationship ended, Alexandra encountered what she calls a "now or never moment" — and decided if she wanted to be a mother, she would have to go it alone.

Why late 30s can feel like crunch time for starting a family

Alexandra's situation is not uncommon, as ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk explores.

Women are becoming mums later than previous generations, with the proportion of first-time mothers in their late 30s jumping from 3 per cent in the 1980s to 13 per cent by 2017.

Some are focusing on developing a career, getting an education and ensuring financial security before starting a family.

Many simply don't meet the right partner, or have partners who aren't sure, according to Karin Hammarberg, a Monash University researcher who also works for VARTA, the regulatory body for IVF in Victoria.

For modern women, it can feel daunting to balance the social expectations of career and life with "the biological reality" of declining fertility, adds Dr Hammarberg on Ladies, We Need to Talk.

"It is an uphill battle, she says. "And without scaremongering, it is really just [biologically and physiologically] gets more difficult to achieve conception after the age of 35."

Faced with constant reminders of their closing 'fertile window,' some women in their 30s and early 40s face some tough decisions: Should they freeze their eggs? Keep dating in the hope of finding someone to start a family with? Or become solo parents?

Alexandra's 'now or never moment'

At 39, Alexandra felt "it was getting to really like a 'now or never' moment. And I really just thought, you know, what am I waiting for?"

She tried dating after her relationship breakdown, but found the ticking biological clock put too much pressure on dating.

"There were some lovely guys along the way, but [it's] an almost impossible situation to date in because you've got this timeline and that doesn't unfold the way love does, which is at its own pace," she says.

Ultimately, she made the decision to pursue motherhood on her own.

It's a decision that involved letting go of the old, ingrained ideas many of us are raised with about how our stories will go — meeting the right person, settling down and starting a family.

"I think you have to sort of grieve that old narrative before you embark on a new one," Alexandra says.

"I've got nothing against the idea of romance and love, and it would be great if it happened in the future. But that unfortunately is not on the same timeline with having a baby. So I just had to get really pragmatic about it. "

Logging onto 'Tinder for sperm'

Once the decision was made, Alexandra's next step was to pay for access to a sperm bank via a fertility clinic to see what was available.

"So I did that and looked through the donor profiles, which is kind of like Tinder for sperm, but with no photos," she says.

In Australia, donors list things like physical characteristics, occupation, lifestyle preferences, marital status, religion, education level attained, personality and temperament, and philosophy on life. And they can't be anonymous: Australian donors must now give their identity, which is available to the child when they are 18.

Alexandra eventually came across a new profile and thought, "This guy seemed nice and kind and straightforward."

'I've just paid over two grand for that sperm'

The insemination itself was simple, taking only a few minutes.

"It's so quick, you lie down, they insert the sperm into your uterus," she says.

When the doctor told her she was free to go, she asked if she needed to lie down — and the doctor told her that was a myth.

"And I thought to myself, well, it might be a myth, but I've just paid over two grand for that sperm. So I'm just going to lie in my car for about 15 minutes. So I lie horizontal in my car, wedged at a very odd angle for a while."

Alexandra was lucky: she fell pregnant on her first insemination attempt and carried the baby to term.

She's now mum to an 18-month old son.

Advice to future solo mums

Alexandra urges other would-be solo mums to make sure they're ready for the process — which can be costly and emotionally draining.

"Save as much money as you can, and think about whether you have the financial and emotional reserves to embark on IVF because it can really screw you over, you know, mentally," she says.

"It's a very challenging process."

Another must-have: Good supports.

"I think the main thing to do is really figure out who your support network is going to be.

"Do you live with your family? Are they willing to help you out or do you have an amazing group of friends nearby? Are they willing to help you out? Can you cultivate more of a community?"

Alexandra had support from her parents, and also connected with a solo mums support group in Melbourne, as well as a Australian Facebook group for solo mums.

The Facebook forums are "really fantastic for posting questions", she says. "And there's such a wealth of wisdom and community support and encouragement there."

Ultimately, Alexandra has no regrets about pursuing parenthood solo.

And Dr Hammarberg says for some women, it's absolutely worth considering.

"If it's something you desperately want to have in your life, I think there needs to be some reckoning with biology and figuring out how can I achieve this, considering my circumstances."