I struggled with motherhood indecision, and after my baby, I'm stuck again

A few moments after this picture was taken, I turned to my partner and said: "we're having 20 babies".

It was a grand statement from someone who dealt with motherhood indecision for years. Even up until the birth of my son I wasn't sure parenting was for me.

Obviously, I was high on endorphins. The next day when we took Lane home, the number had reduced to just 10 babies.

Fifteen months later, I'm not sure about even one more child. Despite loving motherhood more than I ever anticipated, one and done was the plan.

That certainty was rooted in my own happy upbringing as an only child and its many benefits for myself and our family.

Plus, on those hard days — like when my toddler and I are both unwell — I simply cannot imagine surviving with another in tow.

But the lure of that "I fucking just gave birth!" high, along with the newborn snuggles and feeling of bursting love I experience daily is threatening my past resolve.

My coping strategy has been parking the decision for when he's a little older.

At 37, there's time, just not a lot of it. Especially given my partner and I experienced fertility issues.

It's not lost on me this is a blessed position to be in. I'm grateful to be a mum. And I acknowledge those who are struggling with infertility and other hard stuff.

Why it's not easier to this time

The rewards of motherhood can be great, but they can come at a cost — and that only intensifies if you have more children.

The number of Australian women who decide to have only one child has steadily increased since 1986, from 8 per cent to 14 per cent in 2016.

And chatting to other new mums, second baby indecision is not uncommon.

The reasons, however, often vary.

Some always wanted more than one child, but due to a difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth, or perinatal anxiety and depression, are questioning if they could go again.

Others are caring for babies with health issues, and understandably feel uneasy about adding another.

Circumstances have also changed for many people — the cost of living is increasing and raising kids isn't cheap.

And for those parenting with a significant other, some have realised that partner isn't as supportive or helpful as they could be.

There are women who never even saw themselves with one child, let alone two, yet feel pressure to "give them a sibling".

Or maybe a longing to relive all the good bits of caring for a baby is coupled by a fear they won't be as good with the added responsibility of an older child.

My partner Travis is also on the fence. For those with partners certain one way or the other, this may make the decision even tougher.

While some of the mystery around pregnancy, birth and parenting is less relevant when considering baby number two, the stakes feel weirdly higher.

Putting my happiness at risk affects more than just myself and my partner now.

Separating desire from decision

When I wrote about motherhood indecision in 2020, parenthood clarity expert Ann Davidman gave me some advice.

She said the problem she most often saw was people not working out what they wanted before concentrating on what they were going to do.

Separating desire from decision, basically.

Admittedly, I struggled to connect this advice with my experience at the time. But today, it makes so much sense.

I think of it as dealing with the knowing, before the doing.

Perhaps that yearning doesn't align with other things I want for myself or my family.

And essentially, that's a simpler life. Having multiple children no doubt threatens that, at least in the short term.

Pouring all of our affections and resources into Lane is very appealing. As are the freedoms I am increasingly experiencing as he grows, such as being able to go back to work.

And yet many of the wonderful things in my life were born from hard things. 

Thus, I just don't know.

The one comfort I have is holding my son and knowing I've already made the best decision for my life, and for now, that's more than enough.