I had four months off work to look after my son. I wish more dads had the opportunity

On my first day of primary carer leave, I took my eight-month-old son Ezra to the park in the afternoon. 

The little man has a face made for smiling. He giggled as I pushed him on the swing.

I could get used to this, I thought to myself.

That first day was long and hard. I was tired — but we got through it.

The relentlessness of full-time caregiving didn't hit me for a few weeks. But when it did, I felt emotions I didn't know I had.

The barriers faced by dads wanting to take time off

I'm under no illusions about how fortunate I am to be able to spend time with Ezra and not be financially disadvantaged.

I was able to access 12 weeks of primary carer leave under a policy recently introduced by my employer, the ABC. I took an additional month of annual leave to get us through to the new year.

Some workplaces instead offer supporting partner leave at birth, while the government's paid parental leave scheme enables parents to share 20 weeks of parental leave at minimum wage.

However, for many families, it is still not financially viable for dads to take significant time off work.

In 2018-19, 93 per cent of primary parental leave by non-public-sector employees was taken by women, according to data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics. That means only one in 14 fathers took primary parental leave.

Social and economic reasons — including the gender pay gap, entrenched social views and stigma — are a contributing factor, according to research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies.

I had the 'same anxiety many women feel'

When my wife Abbey and I were discussing whether I should take time off, the benefit was obvious: it meant we'd both have the opportunity to spend extended time with our son.

But in our conversations, I also expressed worry about the potential impact on my career.

This feeling of apprehensiveness about balancing caring for children with a career is something men are less familiar with. I didn't properly understand it until I'd experienced it myself.

My career was going well, and I was afraid that I would become invisible, and opportunities would pass me by.

The question I often get from other dads? 'What's harder?'

When I tell people I've taken leave to care for Ezra, there are two common responses.

Women often tell me that what I'm doing is admirable. But when I talk to men, there's a question that often comes up.

"Honestly, what's really harder? Work or being a stay-at-home dad?"

The answer is parenting, hands down. Work is a holiday in comparison.

Parenting never stops. Each day is a constant cycle of eat-play-sleep-clean.

Beyond the day-to-day routine and the pressure of always being on a schedule, there are other challenges.

Like many parents, I've grappled with a sense of inadequacy. I've had moments of anxiety. I've felt like I'm losing my identity.

How paternity leave strengthened my relationship

Ezra and I kept busy with playgroups, swimming classes, outings to the zoo and play dates with generous mums who let us tag along.

It can be hard being the only dad at playgroups and constantly feeling like you are encroaching on women's spaces.

At times, I've been lonely — and that loneliness has been accompanied with a feeling of guilt for not enjoying every second with my son.

I've also caught myself clock watching, counting down until Abbey comes home so I have another adult to talk to.

I'm the first man in my family and friendship circle to take extended leave. If I tried to explain how I was feeling, people just couldn't understand. But Abbey did.

And for the first time, I could truly appreciate the emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows that she had experienced while on parental leave.

Are attitudes changing?

When I speak to older men about taking leave to care for my son, they talk about how there was nothing on offer when they had children.

One father spoke about returning to work just two days after his wife gave birth. He wore it like a badge of honour.

That is not a good thing, I thought. But I smiled and politely said, "Times have changed, I guess."

People without children constantly ask me how I'm enjoying my time off, as if I'm on some kind of holiday. I chalk that down to ignorance.

When I'm asked the question, I always answer the same way.

"It was amazing. I'm really sad to be going back to work."

That's the truth. In my heart, I don't want to go back to work.

I love my job and my colleagues, and I'm blessed with interesting and challenging work.

But Ezra is an absolute joy. I miss him every minute he isn't around.

I know that, once I return, it's going to be a constant juggle between work and home.

How quality time has brought my son and I closer

It's hard to describe the bond that I have formed with Ezra over the past few months. He relies on me for everything, but I rely on him as well.

He's my partner-in-crime; I feel like I'm missing a part of me when he isn't around.

I have noticed a change in him, too. During the first few weeks of leave, he was still very much Mummy's boy.

Now, when he's upset, he reaches out for me.

I always knew I would love him with all my heart, even before he was born. But these past few months have brought out something deeper.

Now, he looks at me the same way he looks at Mum — and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Isaac Nowroozi is a journalist at the ABC.