Keeping sex fun while trying to conceive

When Louise* and her partner began trying for a baby, sex was exciting and romantic.

But after a few months of cycle-tracking, the loss of spontaneity became something they constantly fought over.

"Sex outside of the ovulation window remained pressure free and fun … sex inside the window felt full of tension," the 35-year-old from Sydney says.

"My partner didn't respond well to being told: 'We need to have sex tonight, and maybe tomorrow.'

"I started to see sex as a means to an end on these occasions — something we should just get on with despite how we felt."

It's a common experience for couples trying to conceive, because pressure is the enemy when it comes to sex, says Lynda Carlyle, a sex and relationship therapist in Melbourne.

"If you're actively not wanting sex, pushing yourself in those circumstances can have long-term effects on [your] sexual interest and ability to experience pleasure."

Keeping sex fun, sharing the journey and knowing when to take a break are important when trying to conceive.

We spoke to Louise, Ms Carlyle and clinical psychologist with Fertility Society of Australia, Iolanda Rodino, for their advice.

How trying to conceive impacts your sex life

The longer a couple is trying to get pregnant, the more strain will be placed on their sex life, explains Dr Rodino.

"For some couples, infertility represents one of the most stressful times in their life."

She says the repeated pairing of sex and failure about not being pregnant can change someone's sexual identity.

"You lose that spontaneity and intimacy where the main goal of sexual intercourse is to get pregnant," Dr Rodino says.

Louise says scheduling sex was the biggest challenge for her relationship.

"I've recently started monitoring cycles — where your hormones and ovulation [are] tracked by multiple blood tests and an ultrasound, and you are instructed when to abstain, and when to have sex by a fertility specialist and team of nurses.

Ms Carlyle says mismatched sexual interest is the most common issue sex therapists see. Trying to conceive can amplify these issues.

"There can also be guilt in the person that doesn't want to have sex but feels like they should, especially for baby making."

The burden for women

Because women are the ones tracking their cycle, the responsibility of making sure sex happens often lies with them.

Some women will try to "protect" their partner from the process by not telling them when they're ovulating, for example, so sex feels more spontaneous.

This can be a lot for the woman to carry alone, says Dr Rodino.

"Women pragmatically do carry the burden of fertility treatment, as they do with pregnancy.

"However, I think it's important to emphasise that men, or female partners, carry the emotional burden as well."

For that reason, Dr Rodino says it might be better for you as a couple to make sure the process remains a shared process and responsibility.

Even if that means agreeing you won't disclose when ovulation is occurring, it's important to talk about that decision.

Balancing pleasure, connection and trying to conceive

There are ways to keep sex in perspective when trying to make a baby, but if you find the below isn't helping, you may want to consider speaking to a professional like a sex therapist or fertility counsellor for advice.

Talk it out

If couples aren't communicating, that can lead to a disconnection of intimacy and sexual avoidance, explains Dr Rodino.

"The key thing is getting couples to communicate again about what is most important, what brought them together in the beginning and to see the big picture."

For Louise and her partner, those tough conversations helped.

She says the situation forced them to disclose why they were struggling and what they needed from one another.

"I think we both thought we had been open and engaged sexual partners before this, but really there was still so much we didn't know about each other, what we enjoyed and what made sex 'good' for the other person.

"We've got a new vocabulary and set of moves for baby-making sex versus non-baby making sex."

Try something new

"A cliche perhaps, but also works: trying new things," Louise says.

"Unheard or unvoiced desires emerged from some of our difficult conversations about sex and we have been putting some of those into practice."

Dr Rodino says you can still schedule sex, but with an activity that is more than about getting the job done.

"Creating time for intimacy beyond fertility treatment; dates, sensual activities.

"I get the couple to share the responsibility of planning special sex dates."

Focus on foreplay

Louise says reducing the focus on penetrative sex has helped shift their focus to foreplay.

"When you've had your buzz killed by an internal vaginal ultrasound and you've lost spontaneity as your usual turn-on, consecutive days of mostly penetrative sex doesn't work.

"New turn-ons and techniques are needed."

Prioritising foreplay can also mean making time for yourselves to get in the mood, says Ms Carlyle.

"Get yourself in the right headspace, whether that's a relaxing bath, or time alone. Then spend time connecting.

"Don't bypass the pleasure and connection part of things just to get it done."

Take a break

If reproductive age isn't an issue, and you've tried timed intercourse for three to six months and are feeling frustrated by the process, you may consider taking a break.

"Go back to exploring who you are as a couple," says Dr Rodino.

"It helps to take a step back and think bigger picture."

Dr Rodino says usually once people have surpassed fertility issues, they "do rebound quite nicely".

*Names have been changed for privacy.