What to (not) say to someone living with infertility

If you want to make Cara Steggles roll her eyes, just mention the R-word.

"'Relax! Oh, relax and it'll happen, just go on a holiday and relax' — I've had plenty of comments like that," says Cara, who experienced infertility for five years before welcoming a daughter last year.

For many people with infertility, this well-meaning advice to "relax and let it happen" is unhelpful at best.

"The whole process of trying to conceive is not a situation you are able to relax about," says Cara, 33, an insurance manager and founder of not-for-profit Fertility Support Australia.

"And it's not what the medical advice is. A doctor won't just say, 'Take a holiday, get a dog'."

Infertility is rarely discussed openly, and many of us don't have the words to support a loved one through this emotionally charged experience.

It can feel easy to put your foot in it — so we asked two women with first-hand experience of infertility to weigh in on which phrases are best avoided.

'Have you tried…?'

Pineapple core. Pomegranate juice. Homeopathy. Acupuncture. Weight loss. Weight gain.

These are just a few of the unsolicited suggestions regularly heard by women experiencing infertility, according to Joanna Tan, a Melbourne-based physiotherapist who has undergone seven rounds of IVF.

"It is a bit of a joke because you think, 'OK, I'm spending thousands and thousands of dollars [on IVF] but I haven't tried that?'" says Joanna, 44.

The suggestions offered are often pseudoscientific, too — so instead of helping, they can cause confusion and even guilt (sometimes seeming to imply that the woman could just try harder).

'Honestly, kids are overrated anyway'

Tempted to jokingly offer to sell your offspring to the infertile couple, or point out that the world doesn't need any more children?

These kind of responses can feel like "a slap in the face" to someone experiencing infertility, says Joanna, especially when they're coming from someone with kids.

In a similar vein, it's best not to complain about your own baby to infertile friends.

You might be trying to reassure them that they're not missing out, but Cara says: "People who are trying to conceive will just think, 'I can't wait to have that problem, I can't wait to get spat up on and have a sleepless night'."

'I know this person who had a miracle pregnancy!'

It can feel tempting to share your hairdresser's daughter's pregnancy success story with your friend.

These stories can offer hope, but it depends on who's delivering the news.

"If the miracle pregnancy story was to be shared, it's probably best to come from somebody who has been through infertility directly, because they can compassionately say that they get it, they understand," Cara says.

'Why aren't you coming to my baby shower?'

Seeing baby bumps. Holding other people's babies. Endless conversations about birth plans and parenting.

Baby showers and baby birthday parties are difficult for people experiencing infertility, partly because these things can all be triggering.

"It's not just because you're yearning for a child and that in itself is emotional," Cara says.

"You're also thinking, will you be asked: 'When are you going to have a baby? How long have you been married for?'"

You should still invite your infertile friend to the event — but they'll appreciate you approaching the invitation sensitively, by making it clear they're under no obligation to attend.

Cara suggests saying: "Hey, I'm thinking of you and I know baby showers aren't for everybody. There's no pressure. We can catch up separately or we can just do nothing."

'You've already got a kid. When are you having the next one?'

It's wise to think twice before asking anyone when they plan to have a baby. The question can be painful and awkward for people privately struggling with infertility (not to mention annoying for those who are childfree by choice).

What many people don't realise is that some people can successfully have a first baby, then have trouble conceiving or carrying the second, says Cara.

It's called secondary infertility, and it accounts for almost one-third of infertility cases.

"We get told, 'Oh, don't worry, now you've had your first one, you'll be fine'," Cara says.

"But there's a lot of fraught issues around infertility because it's not just at the beginning of [your parenthood journey] — it really does carry through."

'I know exactly how you feel, because it took us four months to conceive!'

Unless you really have direct experience of infertility, it's very difficult to know what your loved one is going through.

Just watching your phrasing can go a long way.

"If someone had said, 'Geez, I found it difficult and for us it wasn't as long as your journey, I can't imagine how you are feeling' — that is more helpful than saying, 'Yeah, we're the same as you because we took three months to conceive'."

How to support women with infertility

Remember their grief might come and go

Keep in mind that your friend might be fine one day, but might need a break from baby chat the next time you see them.

"Grief can come in waves," Cara says.

"It's common for women in the first cycle of any sort of fertility treatment to feel excited," she says, but that excitement might fade as the process wears on.

Don't ignore it

Fear of saying the wrong thing to a loved one can sometimes keep us from saying anything at all.

But to the person experiencing infertility, Cara says "that silence can be deafening".

Joanna recalls feeling hurt when a former friend started avoiding her calls, then ultimately told her: "I'm sorry, I'm scared to take your call because I don't know what to say and I didn't want to upset you."

If you've been avoiding a friend with infertility because you don't know how to support her, Cara suggests saying something like: "I'm sorry I've been quiet, but I've been thinking of you. If you're having a tough time, please know I'm here."

Check in, and ask if they want to talk

The best thing you can do?

Be an active listener — without giving unsolicited advice, says Joanna.

You can say something like: "I'm sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how hard it is. There are probably no words I can say that will make you feel better. Is it OK if I just give you a hug?" Joanna suggests.

Cara says it's best to ask whether they're up to discussing their infertility struggle before launching into questions.

You can simply say, "I'm here for you. Do you want to talk about it?" Cara suggests.

"Then, even if at the time they don't want to talk about it, they at least know they have a family member or friend who is happy to talk about it when they're ready."