Your stories of dealing with school refusal and what helped

Watching her young daughter refuse to go to school has been incredibly hard for mum Jessica.

And it's led to other stresses on top of concern for her daughter's wellbeing and education.

"Apart from watching my child go through all of this, the second hardest part of this situation was that I was unable to work and was barely able to make ends meet during this time," Jessica from Victoria says.

"Nobody really ever mentions the financial toll school refusal has on families and single parents like myself."

We recently heard from an assistant principal about what helping kids who avoid school has taught her, and it resonated with you.

Below is more of Jessica's story, along with others who wrote in to share theirs, including experiences with primary and high-school students, and someone reflecting on their time avoiding school.

We've removed some identifying details for privacy.

'I was broke, defeated, and felt so very lost'

Jessica, Victoria

There is an incredibly long and arduous backstory to how my daughter came to be refusing school, but the long and short of it is COVID lockdowns happened not long after she had started prep.

She also experienced health issues triggered by the stress of lockdowns, and this was all a tricky start to her schooling life.

As time went on in grade 2, she started to become more shy, she struggled to make friends, and horrible anxiety started to rear its ugly head.

First ever so slightly, with mild separation anxiety at school drop-offs, and then into full-blown panic attacks around major school events like presentations.

Eventually later that year, she refused to go to school altogether.

I still tried every morning to coax her into getting dressed and going to school, but it ended up in a screaming match every time.

What turned things around was finally being able to access a support service through the Education Department for vulnerable students, seeing a psychologist, for one.

Her confidence has improved a little bit, as has her attendance in school.

You see so many people on social media saying "if this was my child I'd do X/Y/Z" without ever really considering the lengths that parents like myself have already gone through to get our children to school.

'Not feeling connected'

Jennifer (not her real name)

My 15-year-old son slowly became disengaged from term two in year 10.

It started off as headaches, and coming home early, to saying he's going to school and then staying home.

He ended up having the majority of term three and four off school. Guidance officers and school offered limited assistance. 

I sought help from a GP who referred us to mental health appointments.  My son was diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication.

It didn't seem to help, and he stopped taking the medication.

We sought further help regarding his mental health but to assist we needed the school to fill out a questionnaire.

This didn't occur as my son's absences meant staff did not have enough information on him to comment.

He has maintained his absence from school was due to feeling class was disruptive, feeling judged by others, and not feeling connected to a close group of friends. That lead to his anxieties and school refusal.

He is entering year 11 and due to start in the coming weeks. He assures me he wants to finish school.

He is a bright young man and has always achieved great marks with limited effort.

I am desperately hoping he will return to school. However, I also understand there are other options should he find it too difficult. 

'School is quite a terrifying place'

John Leonard, 54, went to school in Melbourne, now lives in New Zealand

In my case, I had such a great primary school experience, that, in hindsight, going into my Catholic single-sex school in year 7 was a big shock.

The campus was a junior school in a dense suburb with very little green space, strict male teachers, and all of the intensity that bigger 13 to 14-year-old boys bring.

I was a sensitive, but not fragile, boy who suddenly sensed a lot of injustice. 

I honestly can't pinpoint exactly what it was, but I simply didn't want to go to school for a period of a few months.

My poor parents were so supportive and confused, because it was very abrupt and I couldn't really explain why I didn't want to.

In the end my father said legally I had to attend school until I was 15, which was the case. So we made a deal that I would go until then.

Fifteen came and went, I did my VCE and have very good memories of school and learning and the camaraderie of my peers and my school. 

I am still quite baffled about it to be honest. Although, school is quite a terrifying place really, especially at a boys' school where so many boys simply do not want to be there and spend their day making other boys' lives so difficult — the ones who actually want to learn.

But I learnt to laugh about it, I suppose. 

This was the early '80s. I was glad to see these things are being talked about now.