On his front verandah in the Northern Rivers of New South Wales, Ethan* is warm, witty and welcoming.
But his wife Lisa* says his humour is his way of "masking" his trauma from the world.
Now Ethan wants to let people in.
WARNING: This story contains content that readers may find distressing.
Ethan alleges he was abused as a boarding student in northern New South Wales in the 1980s.
His family is still struggling with the burden, but he hopes telling his story will inspire other survivors he believes are out there to come forward.
'A perfect environment'
Growing up in a family that travelled the world, following the demands of his father's work, Ethan was a social, confident "very happy kid".
"I was very sporty, I was always in the school plays and involved in anything that could happen," he says.
In the 1980s, with his parents facing another stint overseas, Ethan was enrolled at The Armidale School, or TAS, a reputable boarding school.
Ethan says he was "shocked" by the homophobic, misogynistic and racist attitudes he found when he arrived.
"To survive in the boarding community, you had to be pretty tough and thick-skinned, or you'd get pushed out," he says.
"A lot of boys who didn't fit in for one reason or another into that sort of macho community just left. I saw that quite a lot."
Ethan's skill as a rugby player helped him fit in with his peers.
He didn't expect to be targeted by his teachers.
"It was a perfect environment for those men because they knew there was no way we would talk about it. They knew how it worked," he says.
"If I went and said, '[a teacher] fondled me in the middle of the night' … from that moment onwards, your life would be difficult, and you would be victimised."
Ethan says there had been dark jokes among the students about a few teachers who were "consistently named".
But the risk of harm didn't seem real at first.
Trying to be 'less obvious'
Ethan alleges between the ages of 14 and 16 he was sexually assaulted by three men.
He says his abusers included two staff members and a community member who held a position of authority in the community and over TAS students.
Ethan says the abuse occurred away from the eyes of other students and teachers.
Documents submitted to the NSW Supreme Court as part of civil proceedings against TAS outline Ethan's allegations that one man molested him when he went to his house to babysit his children. Another allegedly took advantage of him while he was in their office.
The documents allege the third man assaulted Ethan while he was lying concussed and sedated in the school sick bay after a rugby injury.
The outgoing, confident boy transformed into a withdrawn and ashamed young man.
"You just start shutting down," he says.
"If you make less noise, if you're less obvious, if you're less beautiful to them in whatever sick way they see it, you just hope they'll go to someone else."
Ethan says he carries the effects of the abuse to this day.
"I feel infected and it was not my choice," he says.
"The longer this goes on, the harder it gets. I'm not finding it any easier."
'Nothing but delay tactics'
Ethan and his wife want the school to acknowledge it failed in its duty of care.
"If [the abuse] was that obvious that all the children knew, then someone in a position that should have known or made it their business to know," Lisa says.
"Where's the duty of care, making sure these children are being checked in on?
"I can't get my head around how [the alleged abusers] got away with it."
In 2021, Ethan engaged lawyers and notified The Armidale School of a compensation claim.
Shine Lawyers senior solicitor Lauren Domijan says her firm received "no meaningful response" from the school after it filed the notification, so commenced civil proceedings in the NSW Supreme Court.
"We've been met with nothing but delay tactics, non-communication and arduous litigation from the defendant," she says.
"It took six months for them to even admit they were the proper defendant."
The parties were ordered to participate in mediation, scheduled for November 13, but it was postponed by the school the day before. It is now set down for mid-December.
"At the moment they haven't given any indication as to whether they admit or deny liability, those sorts of issues will be ventilated at the mediation," Ms Domijan says.
As part of the proceedings, TAS had documentation prepared by medical experts based on psychological assessments of Ethan. One report said his symptoms were a result of alcohol use disorder.
Ethan and Lisa believe the report failed to acknowledge he self-medicated to cope with his sexual abuse.
They say this type of pushback from the school's legal team is an example of the victim-blaming he faced.
"I question the integrity of the process and I question the morality and I'm frankly sometimes just horrified," Ethan says.
'It haunts me almost nightly'
Seated together on a lounge, the love between Ethan and Lisa is obvious. So too is the toll his mental health has taken on them.
Once a high-achieving student, Ethan struggled to hold down a job in adulthood or achieve the success they believe he was once capable of.
"If not for the abuse, he could literally have had any career, anything … They robbed him of his potential in life," Lisa says.
"He'll be great for 12 months and people will stop me and say … he's just such a lovely person.
"But the depression and the anxiety and the self-loathing grabs him and pulls him down, and then he'll just have to leave."
She says she is then left "scrambling" to pull everything together and explain to their children when their father goes into hospital.
"I stuck with him because he is a good man, but it has been hard to be the glue. Just really hard."
As part of the legal process, Ethan was required to detail the precise nature of the abuse he said occurred.
"Since I let that out, it haunts me almost nightly. Last two or three weeks, I've woken every second night at least with that dream," he says.
"Screaming," Lisa adds. Tearfully, she describes feeling the need to wake him, to save him from the night terrors.
"It's not something that happened 40 years ago, it's something that happened last night."
Trauma of re-telling the story
Lauren Domijan says Ethan and Lisa's case shows the need for an improved, trauma-informed approach to compensation claims.
"Civil litigation in the abuse space is extremely, extremely re-traumatising," she says.
"Not only do they have to re-hash out the specifics of the abuse to the lawyers, but they also have to go through arduous medical examinations and cross examinations.
"The defendant's solicitors have an obligation to represent their client and defend the claim as best as possible but that doesn't mean they can't keep the lines of communication open and try not to delay or stall the matter.
"Trying to defend it and push it along as expeditiously as possible would help a lot."
In 2015 the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse recommended a national redress scheme and reform of the civil litigation system.
The commissioners recommended both government and non-government institutions establish guidelines for a response to civil claims which were "designed to minimise potential re-traumatisation of claimants and to avoid unnecessarily adversarial responses to claims".
The National Redress Scheme began operating in 2018 and The Armidale School signed up by July 2019.
Changes to the legal system have been slower to take effect but there are signs of progress.
Last month the High Court made a landmark decision to allow a woman known as GLJ to sue the Catholic Church over alleged historical abuse. It overturned a lower court's decision to impose a permanent stay.
It was a win for abuse survivors who say they were previously being denied justice because institutions were arguing that, if an alleged perpetrator had died or was unable to testify due to illness, the institution wouldn't be able to mount a defence should a court allowed the case to proceed.
Ms Domijan says the decision is "absolutely amazing" for Ethan's case. She had anticipated TAS might raise the possibility of a permanent stay.
"The defendants had been using GLJ as a delay tactic on several other matters, pending the decision of the High Court," she said.
"They can't hide behind that anymore and the court won't put up with it."
'Our commitment to supporting victims'
When approached by the ABC, The Armidale School did not answer a detailed list of questions about Ethan's allegations or its response to his compensation claim. It provided a brief statement:
"While proceedings continue, it is not appropriate for the School to comment further on this matter. We remain steadfast in our commitment to supporting victims of historical injustices and continue to encourage former students to contact the School."
The Armidale School has some experience with child abuse allegations.
In February 2020, the Sydney Morning Herald reported TAS had removed a bronze statue that bore a resemblance to former teacher Jim Graham.
It came just days after the paper published allegations by a former student that Mr Graham abused him. The student was enrolled at TAS between 1966 and 1971.
Asking others to come forward
Ethan "100 per cent" believes many other survivors are yet to come forward.
One of the men he alleged abused him was Jim Graham, the teacher accused of abuse more than a decade before Ethan enrolled.
Mr Graham and one of the other men have since died.
The ABC understands one man is alive. The ABC is not aware of any convictions against this man and has not confirmed any other allegations of abuse against him.
"If there's anyone out there in pain, anyone who's been through what I've been through, they need to be able to be heard and they need their voice out there," Ethan says.
"It's got to stop happening and the only way it can stop happening is if enough people say it's not OK."
Ethan has spoken to NSW Police but the investigation was suspended while his civil claim was dealt with.
NSW Police said it was unable to provide comment, but "as always, anyone with information which may assist investigators is urged to contact police".
Looking towards the future
Ethan says it's a nervous wait for "some kind of justice".
"I want them to admit that it happened. I want them to admit that that was the type of place that it was, and I want it to affect how they operate … and I want to live a normal life, and I need some help to do that."
His hopes for the future are simple.
"I just want to be happy and to experience my kids and experience my grandkids and to be able to give to them, to be there for them. That's all I want."
*Names have been changed to protect the family's privacy