Got a misogynistic in-law or conspiracy theorist cousin you'll have to peel prawns next to this Christmas?
While gathering with family and friends can be a happy time, it can also be anxiety-inducing.
Especially when there are loved ones known for making sexist "jokes" or asking unwelcome questions about your relationship status, for example.
But I'm armed and ready to handle anything these holidays after coming across a TikTok from Gina "The Too Much Woman" Hatzis, a social media influencer and former journalist.
Ms Hatzis, who describes herself as a confidence and communication educator, shares four responses she says are effective when used "calmly".
We take a look at her suggestions — and ask psychologists Carly Dober and Tamara Cavenett for advice on managing awkward and unwanted Christmas conversations.
'What an odd thing to say out loud'
Ms Hatzis's four phrases for dealing with rude comments are:
- What an odd thing to say out loud
- I'm surprised you feel comfortable saying that
- Did you mean to share that with the group?
- Would you mind repeating that?
Naarm/Melbourne-based Ms Dober is director of the Australian Association of Psychologists. She says these "sassy" responses can help bring a bit of humour to a situation, which works well for some family dynamics.
"It checks people," she says.
Ms Cavenett, an Adelaide-based clinical psychologist, says humour can help deflect, and it works even better if you follow up with a change in topic.
"That was a bit of an overshare — how about we talk about what is next on the menu?" she gives as an example.
If someone takes offence, however, that could escalate things, which might not be what you're after.
Ms Dober says an alternative is to go straight to redirecting the conversation.
"If someone says something that offends you, you can always just say 'Yep, moving on. What do you think about the football?'"
If it's a comment about how much you're eating, for example, Ms Dober says you could try something like, "I am happy and healthy, thanks for noticing."
For questions around relationship or employment status, she suggests: "There is no change on that front, and you'll be the first to know if there is."
But remember, you don't have to engage if it feels safer not to.
"It's always OK to not engage if you don't want to," Ms Cavenett says.
"Feel free to distractedly walk off, have an exit plan, or turn and talk to someone else."
Christmas lunch isn't always like the movies
Christmas and holidays in general hold a lot of expectation to be a happy time, but family get-togethers are also environments primed for discomfort, explains Ms Cavenett.
"Getting together with family often brings with it history — things that have happened and a lot of hurts," she says.
People are exhausted at the end of the year and emotions can be high. Throw alcohol into the mix and suddenly Uncle Jerry is commenting on your weight.
"A lot of the time people feel forced to keep the peace and attend Christmas at someone's home they wouldn't normally spend time at if they weren't obligated. And that can be stressful," says Ms Dober.
The benefit of being prepared
Our experts say comments such as those Ms Hatzis suggests can take people by surprise and can prompt them to evaluate what they have said.
That might even lead to an apology or clarification which "can be quite healing", says Ms Cavenett.
Only you will know from past experience what is likely to unfold, and the best thing we can do is prepare ourselves ahead of time, says Ms Dober.
"Ultimately, you can decide what kind of day you can have. If you're going to a cousin's house where unhelpful comments typically ensue, think about how much time you will spend talking to people who might offend you, versus how much time you will talk to people you get along with."
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