Sally has been dating for the past several years, but letting down the ones she doesn't feel a spark with never gets easier.
The 37-year-old from regional Queensland, who asked we keep her real name private, says while she doesn't like to ghost, she sometimes does.
It's usually motivated by sparing hurt feelings, or in other cases, "some are just not worthy of the time", Sally explains.
Ghosting is an abrupt discontinuation of communication that usually happens via social media or online platforms.
Sexologist and relationship therapist Kassandra Mourikis says it's an attractive option when we're wanting to avoid difficult conversations.
And in some cases — it's actually the safer path to take.
Knowing when that's the case, and having some kinder alternatives up your sleeve for when it's appropriate, may help in your future dating ventures.
Why we ghost and its impact
Many of us don't have the language or communication tools to express when we're not interested in someone, Ms Mourikis says.
"It can feel clumsy to tell someone we didn't vibe or our values don't align, for example."
She says we're taught it's our responsibility to prevent others from feeling bad, making it easier to avoid hard conversations.
Jin Lee, a research fellow from Curtin University who looks at dating apps and self-branding culture, says the use of online dating platforms has normalised ghosting.
"Online dating culture has been designed for efficiency … it's kind of like online shopping," Dr Lee says.
"If you don't find someone who is a fit for you, you can just move to the next one — taking advantage of the online dating pool — [and] because of that, ghosting has become quite common."
But ghosting can leave people confused and hurt.
"[You can feel] like there is maybe something you did or something wrong with you; internalisation and thinking the person ghosted you because of who you are," Ms Mourikis says.
And that's especially true for marginalised communities, who are more likely to experience ghosting, Dr Lee says.
She says a woman of colour or person living with a disability, for example, might be ghosted by someone when that "otherness" is discovered.
"You wonder whether that ghosting has happened because of my 'other' identity."
When ghosting is safer than being up-front
A person might be at risk of "threats of violence or abuse" when turning someone down, explains Ms Mourikis.
"I can see situations or context where ghosting might be useful, and often about a sense of safety.
"Knowing they could retaliate with violence means that ghosting is your only option."
Dr Lee says with online dating, ghosting is a useful tool for marginalised people to keep themselves safe from sexist and racist comments, for example.
"You can build a safety net by ghosting this person and deciding not to engage."
Ms Mourikis says if we don't want people to ghost, we need to get better at receiving rejection.
"What creates these alternatives to not ghost, is our capacity to receive, or sit with, a no and rejection.
"We need to create an environment of safety with dating culture. The better we can accept a no and not take it personally, the more others will be able to be up-front."
Alternatives to ghosting your date
But what are our options when it's safe, and kinder, to reject someone?
Tackling it in the moment
There are essentially two alternatives to ghosting, Ms Mourikis says, and the first is tackling it in the moment.
She says too often we rush to say what we think we should, like "yes" to a second date, rather than taking time to collect our thoughts.
"Check in with yourself. See how you're feeling either emotionally, or what is present if your body, and get a sense of what you might want."
Ms Mourikis says taking that time can make it easier to gently let the person know your true feelings.
"You might say, 'This was really great to connect' or 'I had a really nice time, and I'm not feeling it'."
The "and" as opposed to "but" is important, as it signifies two things can be true.
"You can have a good night and enjoy learning about someone while also recognising it won't work as we didn't have the same value system [or whatever it might be]," Ms Mourikis says.
But it's also OK to be vague on the details. "You also don't owe anyone an explanation," she says.
Making contact afterwards
Option two is to make contact in the hours or days afterwards.
"If you want to, let someone know that you had some time to think and that's not what you're looking for right now, or you connected with someone else, or it didn't vibe," Ms Mourikis says.
"Approaching gently, and with care, and also curiosity — checking in about what was their experience?"
She says acknowledge it could be hard to hear, and ask if there is someone that can support them.
"That doesn't need to be you."
She adds it's OK to be honest about your ambivalence.
"Deciding to communicate that uncertainty can be useful, and gives them more context.
"Then perhaps you negotiate if you have a different date or talk further on what didn't work."
Dr Lee says her research has found male users of online dating platforms in particular wish female users would give more of an explanation as to why they are ceasing contact.
While female users say they wish there were more options to keep themselves safe, other than ghosting or the "report" function, which Dr Lee says they have little faith in.
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