What does gaslighting mean and is overuse of the term trivialising it?

Gaslighting was Merriam-Webster's word of the year in 2022 — and like a lot of "therapy speak", the term has taken over the internet. 

It's a very real and dangerous pattern of behaviour, but social media doesn't always portray it correctly.

"When something has captured the public's imagination, then that's a chance to educate the community on that," Respect Victoria acting CEO Serina McDuff says.

She says many people are beginning to comprehend what gaslighting behaviour is — and that's an opportunity to prevent it.

"We want to make sure that conversation is deep enough, so people understand what it means and the warning signs."

So, what is gaslighting? And how can we recognise if it's happening to us or those we care about?

What does 'gaslighting' actually mean?

Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as:

"Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."

It was coined after the name of a 1930s play, Gaslight, which follows the story of a husband attempting to convince his wife that she is insane. There were two film adaptations in 1940s.

While the phrase is almost a century old, and the behaviour goes back even further, there's been a surge of interest lately, perhaps thanks to a wider societal focus on violence against women.

Catriona Davis-McCabe, president of the Australian Psychological Society, says gaslighting can happen in all kinds of relationships and settings where one person wants to gain power over another.

"This might include intimate relationships, friendships, professional [relationships] with a boss or co-worker, even parent to child," she says.

Other examples include medical gaslighting, when a patient's concerns are unfairly dismissed or incorrectly labelled as psychological by their doctor.

It most commonly occurs, however, in the context of intimate partner violence as a deliberate strategy to gain control over a victim, says Respect Victoria acting CEO Ms McDuff.

Ms McDuff says abusers often use "flat-out denial tactics", such as refuting that something has occurred, often "in response to some inappropriate behaviour" they have been called out on.

How our use of 'gaslighting' has shifted

Kate Burridge, a professor of linguistics at Monash University, says the meaning of the term "gaslighting" has changed since it has entered the everyday vernacular.

"[Now it's used to describe] 'the act of misleading someone for one's own advantage', or even more generally used for anything that's insensitive, perhaps even a difference of opinion," she says.

Professor Burridge says it's not uncommon for the meanings of such words to be watered down or even trivialised as they become more popular. Another example she points to is the word "angst".

"It was originally a term used in psychiatry for 'an intense feeling of anxiety, dread', but now more generally 'any sort of a feeling of apprehension or insecurity'," she says.

Ms McDuff says while the prevalence of the term gaslighting means in some cases it might be "thrown around a bit lightly", people learning more about a preventable form of violence is important.

"Part of the journey is to understand what it means and educate people on the warning signs."

What are the warning signs of gaslighting?

Gaslighting can be difficult to spot — especially when you are the victim.

"People who use this as a form of abuse and control are really adept at doing so in ways that happen over time," Ms McDuff says.

"It's just the very nature of how it's done … it can really sneak up on people and how it's making them feel."

She says the person using gaslighting may present very different to other people in their lives, as is often the case with men who use violence against women.

"They are often well liked in the broader community," Ms McDuff says.

She says to look for common phrases such as "you're overreacting" and "you're crazy" as warning signs.

"[Ask yourself] why is someone who is supposed to love me and I'm trusting making me feel this way?"

What to do if you're a victim or witness gaslighting

If you suspect you're a victim of gaslighting, talk to someone you trust, and reach out to 1800 RESPECT.

"It can be important to pick up early, as it can also be an indication of some serious safety issues," Ms McDuff says.

If you suspect someone you know is a victim of gaslighting, Dr Davis-McCabe recommends talking to the person about what you are witnessing, and letting them know you are concerned and want to help.

She suggests helping them make a safety plan, including things they can do to protect themselves if they feel unsafe, and encouraging them to seek professional help.

"Gaslighting is not part of any healthy relationship. The impact on victim-survivors can be devastating," Dr Davis-McCabe says.