What it's like to learn someone you care about is violent

Alicia was never a big fan of her brother-in-law.

He said or did things that troubled her, like the time she heard he'd told her sister to stop wearing "slutty clothing".

Alicia, who has asked we don't use her real name to protect her privacy, says the warning signs were there. But it wasn't until her sister disclosed his psychological abuse, that those suspicions were confirmed.

"It was clear to me from the early stages of their relationship that he was quite controlling," she says.

"The problem that I had is, you never know for sure whether someone is a perpetrator; there are all these things that aren't quite right, but what if I was wrong?"

Emily Maguire, the CEO of Respect Victoria, says it's hard to learn someone we know — whether it be a friend, family member or co-worker, for example — is a perpetrator of domestic violence.

"It's really confronting to hear that you have missed something, that you haven't seen something," she says.

"And it's incredibly challenging for you to hear someone you know quite well and [perhaps] love a lot is doing horrible, hideous things."

While everybody will process it differently depending on the relationship, their background, and circumstance, there are shared experiences.

Disbelief

While Alicia was saddened to learn her brother-in-law was a perpetrator of intimate partner violence, she wasn't surprised.

When her sister disclosed the abuse, she believed her.

However, many people will experience denial and disbelief, explains Ms Maguire.

"It's difficult for everyone, and often dependent on your relationship," she says.

"For example, if you are a parent of someone who is using violence, it's really hard to believe you have raised a child who behaves that way."

Kelsey Hegarty, Professor of family violence prevention at the University of Melbourne and Royal Women's Hospital, says some people will victim-blame.

"Community attitudes that may be negative towards women or violence accepting might make them lean towards thinking that the victim has lied or exaggerated," she says.

For example, the 2021 National Community Attitudes Survey released earlier this year shows 23 to 37 per cent of respondents strongly or somewhat agreed with the statements that women lie about domestic violence to gain an advantage in a custody battle, and women exaggerate the extent of men's violence.

One in four Australians believe a woman who doesn't leave an abusive partner is partly responsible for the abuse continuing.

Ms Maguire says the misconception that men who use violence are "monsters" can also fuel disbelief, pointing to an article written by Tom Meagher, whose wife Jill was brutally murdered by a stranger in Melbourne in 2012, on the monster myth.

She says many people mistakenly believe men who perpetrate violence are "bad, sad or sick" and therefore "we wouldn't know anyone who behaves like that".

Perpetrators are very intentional in how they use violence, and how they hide it, says Ms Maguire.

"People often talk about the 'Jekyll and Hyde', and it's not true," she says.

"It's not that they put a good face on in public. That public good face is part of the tactic to keep [his victim] trapped."

Not believing a victim-survivor has devastating implications, our experts warn.

"Research shows us, and victim-survivors consistently say, the first response they get when they first tell their story is the thing that will either help them seek support, hold their partner to account, leave the relationship or mean they will never talk about it again and suffer in silence," says Ms Maguire.

While it can be difficult to know what to say, experts recommend focusing on believing, acknowledging, and listening to the survivor, and empowering them by identifying their strengths, worth, goals and desires.

Guilt

After several attempts to escape, Alicia's sister ended the relationship.

Alicia wonders if she could have done more to help her leave sooner, but says it was a difficult line to walk.

She didn't want to be alienated from her sister.

"I didn't feel like I could say anything," she says.

"He'd disrupted other friendships and family relationships, I needed to maintain a relationship with her so if it turns out if he was a perpetrator, she had someone she could turn to."

Alicia says she was never certain abuse was present until her sister confided in her.

"In hindsight, all of those [warning signs] were really clear … but when they were happening at the time, it was really hard to say 'Ah-hah! You're going to become a perpetrator of violence'."

Professor Hegarty says it's common for people to feel like they have failed the victim-survivor.

"Or they have also played into the idea that violence is something that happens 'over there', not in our own patch."

Only 47 per cent of respondents to the national attitudes survey believe domestic violence is a problem in their own suburb or town.

Ms Maguire says people might question their own reality, asking themselves, "How did I not see this?"

They might think they would have a "gut feeling" if someone was violent.

"The reality is society tells us how relationships are supposed to be — and jealousy is a common trope — it's not seen as control as such," explains Ms Maguire.

"We don't always have the lens that we think we do."

Cultural implications

Cultural considerations can further complicate the pathway to accepting abuse has been perpetrated by someone we know.

Professor Hegarty says in First Nations and migrant communities, the structural racism against them means seeking help may lead to further harm.

"They fear the responses from society that may be racist, but they also fear the shame within the family and extended kinship group," she says.

"In those communities, particularly First Nations ... [there can be] justice responses where children are taken away, or there can be a death in custody."

Ms Maguire says in some cultures there is a "stigma to being attached to a victim", and calling out violence can threaten your own safety.

Migrants and refugees in particular rely on the support of their community, and risk being ostracised if they choose to speak out, Ms Maguire explains.

Separating the person and the behaviour

Remembering the person who is perpetrating is not "good or bad", but that their behaviour is unacceptable and abusive, can make it easier to understand, Professor Hegarty says.

"Although we don't excuse the behaviour, we do need to understand this is still a person with support needs," she says.

Ms Maguire agrees, saying our need to "categorise" people as good or bad is not helpful.

"[We should] encourage people to hold two truths together," she says, with the example that a best friend can be loving to you, but use violent behaviours with someone else.

"They don't automatically cancel each other out."

She says for perpetrators to change their behaviour, they need specialised support and people to support them to change.

Moving forward, our experts suggest focusing on the prevention of violence through actions including learning about what drives violent behaviour, challenging attitudes with conversations, and taking bystander approached.