Australians are 'angry and exhausted' by violence against women. We can all help prevent it

Seeing the news that another woman has been killed by violence in Australia is distressing.

"Australians are rightly angry, upset and exhausted," says Respect Victoria CEO Emily Maguire.

"It's incredibly confronting and really hard to know as an individual what to do to change things."

While we are right to call for action from our leaders, including governments and the justice system, she says "they are not the only ones who have control over the culture that we create in our society".

"They are key players, but all of us as individuals are as well."

Understand the four drivers of violence

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner in Australia.

Alina Thomas is the CEO of Engender Equality, a not-for-profit that supports people affected by family and domestic violence in Tasmania.

She says Australians see news headlines and understandably ask: "Why is nothing being done? We can see this, why can't you?"

Having an influence on an individual level to prevent violence against women starts with understanding what drives it, Ms Thomas explains.

Domestic violence prevention organisation Our Watch has identified four gendered drivers of violence against women, which arise in the social context of gender inequality:

1.    Condoning of violence against women

2.    Men's control of decision-making and limits to women's independence in public and private life

3.    Rigid gender stereotyping and dominant forms of masculinity; and

4.    Male peer relations and cultures of masculinity that emphasise aggression, dominance and control.

"Once you learn about them, you start seeing them everywhere — like in workplaces," Ms Thomas says.

Challenge attitudes with simple conversations

Results from the 2021 National Community Attitudes Towards Violence Against Women Survey released earlier this year show we have a long way to go when it comes to understanding the reality of domestic violence in Australia.

Two in five people mistakenly believe it is perpetrated by both men and women equally, and a third of respondents thought women exaggerate their unequal treatment in Australia.

Only 47 per cent believe domestic violence is a problem in their own neighbourhood, with some still holding the view it's a "private matter".

While it might feel like a "drop in the ocean", the simple act of starting a conversation about these attitudes is powerful, says Ms Maguire.

Talking to your partner about divvying up the housework more fairly in the home can snowball into improving gender equality in workplaces and schools, Ms Maguire says.

"That's how social norms get changed."

Bystander approaches

As a bystander, you can challenge behaviour and attitudes that perpetuate violence against women.

There are many scenarios in which you might find yourself able to speak up and challenge cultural norms, and even support a victim.

Something many of us experience in everyday life is hearing and seeing sexist or degrading remarks.

Ms Maguire says signalling to someone you don't approve of their sexist joke, for example, sends the message you won't "stand by them" if they are violent towards women.

"Men changing their behaviour is much more likely to happen when friends and family hold them to account, and they stand to lose those relationships."

While we should never make ourselves unsafe by speaking up, Ms Maguire says it's important to distinguish feeling unsafe versus feeling uncomfortable.

It's going to be uncomfortable to call someone out, and we need to get used to that.

"It will go down like a lead balloon — it's a skill you need to develop," Ms Maguire says.

"But hold those women being killed in the back of your mind. They're the reason you're having these hard conversations."

Share the voices of advocates

Ms Maguire says the burden should not rest with women to say "stop killing us". All people should be educating themselves about family and domestic violence.

"There are so many people who say 'yes violence exists, but doesn't happen in my backyard', but the reality is we know in every neighbourhood violence is happening.

"We have to help people recognise it is everywhere, victims are not 'others'."

Ms Thomas recommends following social commentary that resonates with you, adding that looking at things through a victim-survivor lens can help us unlearn harmful cultural norms.

If you speak out about violence against women — whether it is sharing your own experience or that of others — Ms Maguire says to look after you own health and wellbeing and be mindful of the responses you can receive.

"Recognise when you share these stories, they can remind people of their own experiences and even promote disclosures."

While she says that's "ultimately positive", it's important to be conscious of the impact it can have.