What Pamela Anderson's story can teach us about reclaiming power after abuse 

For decades, Pamela Anderson's story has not been told in her own words.

In Netflix documentary, Pamela, A Love Story, we see the former Baywatch star share the truth behind many of the headlines that dominated her life.

Including her relationship with Motley Crew drummer Tommy Lee, which she describes as one of the most "wildest, most beautiful love affairs ever".

Anderson says Lee was jealous type, with examples of his behaviour demonstrating coercive control in the relationship.

In 1998, Lee was charged with spousal abuse after grabbing Anderson while she was holding their youngest child.

She left immediately.

Along with the documentary, Anderson has shared her perspective through her memoir: Love, Pamela.

She has found her way to re-write the narrative.

And while other victim-survivors might not take the same approach to feeling empowered after abuse, speaking their truth is possible, says Respect Victoria CEO Emily Maguire.

"These conversations being public, even though they are not about the individual experiences of the women watching ... they will have significant resonance," she says.

"People might not be ready to talk about their own stories, or even engage in their own personal narrative about reclaiming power, but seeing other women do it makes it seem possible for them."

'Feeling heard, understood and believed'

Natalia Esdaile-Watts left her abusive husband in 2006.

The Sydneysider had tried to end the relationship many times, but "threats, coercion and feelings of guilt" forced her back.

With police help, Natalia eventually escaped with their three children, but was quickly found by her ex-husband.

He was convicted of malicious wounding and breach of a DVO order, and sentenced to three years' jail.

It took Natalia 10 years to openly share her story, something she says has helped her regain a sense of power and control. But it wasn't just speaking publicly that has helped.

A defining moment for Natalia was learning more about domestic violence. She didn't recognise her relationship as abusive until she left, she explains, because her husband "never left bruises".

"Domestic violence education confirmed that none of it was my fault," the 42-year-old says.

"It happens to women of every race, financial position, age, education or intelligence."

Volunteering and participating in events to raise awareness around domestic violence helped Natalia feel "heard, understood and believed".

"Through speaking about my experience, I found power in inspiring other women to stand up for themselves and find happiness."

Ms Maguire says not all women would feel comfortable, or safe, to share their experience publicly. But many report speaking their truth as a part of the healing process.

"That can be telling a friend or family member, or a service provider. It can be commenting on someone's Instagram post about their experiences and saying 'that happened to me too'.

"Even without going into detail, just acknowledging that is really powerful for victim-survivors." 

Obstacles in speaking your truth

When sharing their story, victim-survivors can face "backlash" for not meeting the stereotype of what a "good, true victim-survivor" looks like, explains Ms Maguire.

She says usually when you tell people about a hard thing in your life, like losing a loved one or being robbed, people believe you.

"But when you talk about experiences of family violence, that is not always the case."

She says it can be shocking for women when people are not automatically kind and empathetic, and instead may ask victim-blaming questions like: "Why didn't you just leave?"

Ms Maguire adds the burden does not rest with the victim-survivor to explain their abuse.

"She may well make a decision to say I love this person enough to spend the time educating them, like a friend or parent … however, it is not their responsibility."

Natalia says although she didn't have her family's support when she needed it most, they have come to understand what she went through "was a bigger issue than they first thought".

"Having come so close to being murdered certainly scared them."

She says being honest and inviting them to step in her shoes has helped make progress.

But if there were people who "resisted to really hearing me, I had to let them go", Natalia says.

"It was hard when I was desperate for support, but I had to stop communication."

No one way to reclaim your power

Empowerment after abuse looks different for every woman, says Ms Maguire.

It could begin while still in a violent relationship, she explains, such as documenting the violence carefully and safely for the first time, or telling a trusted friend.

"For women who have left the relationship, reclaiming their power can look like getting a new job which they didn't think they could do previously because they knew their perpetrator would use the workplace to exert control," says Ms Maguire.

"Or going to university which you were never allowed to do because your partner was so controlling."

That was the case for Natalia, who says enrolling in TAFE gave her confidence.

"I was not allowed to work or study [in the relationship], so I needed to provide for the kids as well as get that piece of paper.

"I have worked hard and was awarded apprentice of the year three times. That definitely elevated me and helped me to believe more in myself."

Ms Maguire says women who are able to parent their children safely after fleeing violence can find that empowering.

"They are now able to raise their children in a way that is about teaching how to have a good relationship and what a good relationship looks like."

Natalia recommends joining survivor groups on social media, attending community events relating to domestic violence, and offering a listening ear to other survivors when ready.

"It will all help you to become stronger."

'He has no power'

Natalia says even though this journey "will not end" because her perpetrator is free, she is motivated to make sure he sees her as the strong, powerful, independent woman she is.

She says finding the strength to believe in herself again led her back to the "happy, nice, cheerful" woman she once was.

"That is how I now have an amazing job I love, even though I was told I would never be good for anything, and an amazing man by my side, even though I was told no-one will ever want me."

As well as Anderson's relationship with Lee, Pamela, A Love Story outlines the theft of their home videos which were later distributed without their consent as a sex tape.

But through everything, Anderson says she doesn't want people's sympathy.

"My life is not a 'woe is me' story."

She says making the documentary was a "difficult, self-facing process".

"And thankfully, it brought me back to me."