Nova (not her real name) remembers many nights of scrambling to find food when her ex-partner sabotaged meals.
Warning: This story discusses domestic violence.
"If he didn't want to eat what I was making, he would demand I leave to get something else for him," Nova, in her late 20s, says.
"He'd say he'd watch what I was cooking, then allow it to burn while I was gone so ... me and my children would have nothing."
Other times, he would give food set aside for her children to his pet dogs, or take it out of the fridge so it went bad.
Food control was just one aspect of abuse Nova experienced in the relationship she has since escaped.
Nova's ex would steal money she needed for groceries, make negative comments about her body, stop her from exercising, and criticise her food choices.
He would also make demands around food that impacted her ability to complete basic daily tasks, like showering.
"Every time he wanted a coffee or something to eat, he would have me drop whatever I was doing to make it for him. Like stopping me from bathing, or [he would] wake me up in the middle of the night to go make him what he wanted.
"I was constantly run off my feet so I could never take a moment to myself for anything."
Food control is a form of coercive control that is often invisible and potentially life-threatening, explains Alina Thomas, the CEO of Engender Equality, a not-for-profit that supports people affected by family and domestic violence in Tasmania.
Identifying its signs, and pathways to help, is important — and can take time.
Examples of food control and the implications
Food control looks like many different things and can overlap with other aspects of your health and body, such as someone monitoring how much you sleep and exercise, and what medications you take.
It can occur in all kinds of relationships, and people living with disability or who have medical needs, as well as the elderly, are particularly vulnerable, says Ms Thomas.
"Someone who might have particular needs around food, like closely monitoring blood sugar levels because they have diabetes ... there is an opportunity for someone to use abusive behaviour to interrupt that," she says.
Food control in abusive relationships can be both blatant and subtle.
For example, Ms Thomas says one victim-survivor disclosed she was forced to eat low-quality food in the kitchen after she served the family more substantial meals at the table.
"A shocking example of food humiliation; her status in the family was reinforced by how she was allowed to access food," she says.
The impacts of food abuse can be long-term, she explains.
"If someone is being deprived of food over a long period of time, they could end up with heart failure decades later.
"There are so many invisible deaths from family violence we don't see."
Domestic Violence NSW CEO Delia Donovan says there are well-known case studies where the perpetrator later killed the victim, such as Hannah Clarke.
Her partner Rowan Baxter would deprive Hannah of basic needs such as food, and would insult her about her figure.
The abuse Nova experienced has left her with "mental scars" including low self-esteem and shame around food choices.
"I still cannot look at myself in pictures or the mirror and know for sure if I'm seeing what everyone sees," Nova says.
"I struggled so much with how I should eat, what I should eat and when.
"Was I making the right choices when it came to what I was buying for myself and my children? Is this too much? Or not enough? Self-doubt was a big factor in my life."
How harmful stereotypes contribute
Because food control fits into our conditioned ideas of traditional family roles, it's difficult for us to see, says Ms Thomas.
"When we look at domestic spaces, they are often the places where men who use violence will target their abuse to be able to control their female partners.
"We might see an abusive man being particularly heightened around how clean the house is, how attractive his wife is, what the cooking is like, what kind of a mother is she, how does she perform sex?"
She says in traditional family environments with straight couples, women will do the groceries and prepare the food.
"It's a gendered experience. An acceptance of women having that role around makes it easier for an abuser to mask the behaviour."
Ms Thomas uses the example of when traditionally the "man of the house" is served the most food.
"All of these things normalise a power imbalance with food in the home."
The control of food and exercise by perpetrators also aligns with our unrealistic societal expectations about how women should look, explains Ms Donovan.
"This makes the abuse easier to perpetrate, as offenders can use readily available narratives that media and society more broadly repeat daily.
"This also means that victims may be unaware that this abuse is being perpetrated, because it sounds so familiar to what all women are fed throughout their lives."
Spotting food control and where to seek help
Ms Donovan says victim-survivors can consider the following questions if they believe they are being controlled in this way:
- Do you feel like your body is your own?
- Does your partner monitor and control your food intake and/or exercise?
- If you fail to meet certain diet or exercise targets, are you scared of your partner's reaction?
Specialist domestic violence service 1800RESPECT can help you identify abuse and connect you with support.
Reaching out to trusted people in your life, as well as healthcare professionals, can also be a good place to find help.
Nova says it's important people know recovery from food control takes time.
"I want people to understand that when someone has gone through this that sometimes it can take a lot of time for them to give themselves 'permission' again to enjoy things like food and treating themselves."