Billie* has vivid memories about the times she fought back against her abuser.
Warning: This article includes details of violence in relationships.
"I remember being shoved against the wall while I was holding our infant, and my fight response kicked in and I punched him in the face to get him to back off," the survivor and advocate says.
"I ran into the nursery, locking and barricading the door with furniture, terrified of what he'd do to me because I'd just hit him."
Years later, Billie is now in her mid-30s and understands there is a difference between abuse and acts of resistance. But during her relationship, she felt immense shame.
"I felt isolated and ostracised for admitting that I had slapped and punched him … and was also branded an abuser myself because of it," she says.
The defamation trial of divorced actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard has reignited discussions around "mutual abuse" — a concept questioned by domestic violence experts.
It is important to consider the power and gender dynamics at play in violent relationships, says Emily Maguire, Respect Victoria CEO.
The myth of mutual abuse
The belief there is gender symmetry in abuse is a "scarily common myth in Australia", according to Ms Maguire.
She cites University of Melbourne research which found motivations for the use of force by women in heterosexual relationships most commonly include self-defence, retaliation, anger, and stress.
"They wish to assert their personal autonomy from a partner, rather than exercise personal authority over a partner (coercive control)," the researchers write.
Ms Maguire says the "mutual abuse" narrative puts an equal weighting on intent and harm, excusing abusive behaviour and placing the blame on victims.
Kate Fitz-Gibbon is the director at the Monash Gender and Family Violence Prevention Centre.
She says statistics clearly demonstrate intimate partner violence is gendered, with men overwhelmingly more likely to be perpetrators of domestic violence.
"One woman is killed by male violence every nine days in Australia and one in three women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence perpetrated by a man they know," she says.
"Women are nearly three times more likely than men to experience violence from an intimate partner in Australia. These are facts."
But Ms Maguire says we are going "backwards" in awareness around violence against women because of the gender symmetry argument.
Data from the 2017 National Community Attitudes towards Violence Against Women Survey (NCAS) shows 64 per cent of Australians recognised it was mostly men who commit acts of domestic violence.
In 1995, it was 86 per cent.
Relationships Australia NSW CEO Elisabeth Shaw has said mutual abuse is "real, but rare", however Ms Maguire says that is unlikely in the context of intimate partner violence.
Jennifer Kingwell from Embolden, South Australia's peak body for domestic, family and sexual violence services, says coercive control is "really warped and complex", and can be confusing from the outside when you don't see the power differentials at play.
"And that this intersects with other sites of power imbalances — racism, classism, ableism for example — which all need to be better recognised and more widely understood, so as a community we can better support those who are most vulnerable not only to abuse, but are more likely to be blamed for that abuse or seen as 'just as bad'."
Billie says the social media reaction to the Depp v Heard trial highlights how little the public understand the complexities of allegations of abuse.
"There is a huge difference between incident-based violence, acts of resistance and the pattern of coercive control and abuse seen in domestic violence that infects every part of a victim-survivors identity and way of life," she says.
"I never terrorised someone, belittled them daily, controlled their movements, tracked their spending, emails or phone calls, damaged their property, intimidated them or their loves one or created paralysing fear.
"My violence was a reaction to all those things happening to me … yet knowing I did that brought enough shame, humiliation, and fear of being deemed 'mutually abusive' and 'just as bad as he was' kept me from calling police."
Shame leads to reluctance to seek help
Many victim-survivors don't recognise they are in an abusive relationship, and this can be compounded when they might fight back, explains Ms Kingwell.
"You hear phrases like 'I gave as good as I got'," she says.
"No one wants to be a victim. No one wants that to define them."
Ms Kingwell says perpetrators will use "cruel and manipulative" tactics like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to gaslight the victim and others into believing that they (the victim) are actually the abuser.
An experience Billie is familiar with, which made it difficult for her to seek help.
"He always told me that I started it and if I 'hadn't have done XYZ', then he wouldn't have hurt me," she says.
"The constant projection, blame-shifting and DARVO was mind-bending and took years of recovery."
Ms Maguire says there are three main reasons women carry guilt for fighting back.
- We expect women to be more submissive and passive. Fighting back goes against how they are socialised to behave.
- Perpetrators tell them it's their fault.
- Friends, family, and other members of the community minimise the violence they experience, or don't believe women because "he's such a nice guy".
"The social norms around gender and violence have a big impact on women being able to recognise their experiences as violent and seek support," Ms Maguire says.
"But also whether men feel emboldened to use violence; if they get away with it consistently, that is a signal they can keep going and do what they want."
How we can do better
All of us need to have our "antenna up" when it comes to domestic violence, says Ms Maguire.
"If you hear friends or a family member say 'they deserve something' or 'should have known better' ... ask them to explain what they mean," she says.
"Try to help them understand that if their partner is violent, that it isn't deserved, and their job is not to manage his behaviour."
Ms Maguire says it's also good to think about the people in their lives experiencing violence when posting about significant cases.
"What will it say to them if you say they are both abusive? Your friend living with the controlling partner will hear that message and know they are not supported if she needs help," she says.
Billie has been able to heal from her trauma through therapy and by removing certain social networks from her life.
She says if you are surrounded by people who don't see violence as an issue or don't recognise it at all, it's important to seek help from those who will understand, such as a trained domestic violence specialist or victim-survivor.
"1800RESPECT is a fantastic resource for anyone who doesn't feel safe at home or is supporting someone who is showing signs of being unsafe, withdrawing from their social networks, has unexplained injuries and seems to 'drop off the planet' since they've been in a relationship," Billie says.
ABC Everyday in your inbox
Get our newsletter for the best of ABC Everyday each week
*Name has been changed for privacy reasons.