How to handle a relationship ending in the workplace

When Lisa's* "charming" co-worker began paying attention to her, she was flattered.

"He started off by giving me compliments about my outfit, my work," the 39-year-old says.

"When he finally asked me out, I was already half in love because I thought he was too."

The pair, who work in education, began a relationship that lasted several months.

Things came to a halt when she found out he was seeing other women at their workplace.

"I felt betrayed because he had told me we were monogamous. But more than the betrayal, I felt stupid and humiliated."

Several years later, the pair still work together. Lisa says it's "super awkward".

Given how much time we spend in the workplace, it's no surprise many relationships start there.

According to Relationships Australia, one in five couples aged between 35 and 49 met their partner at work.

If the relationship comes to an end, the consequences can range from awkward hallway encounters through to finding a new job.

From flings to more serious relationships, we asked the experts how to handle the fall out when we can't file it under 'happily ever after'.

When work romances come to an end

There are several factors that will raise the risk of negative consequences if there is a relationship breakdown, says Professor Paula McDonald from QUT's Business School.

They can include:

• If the relationship is open or secret;
• If it is short term or long term;
• If it is peer-to-peer or involving someone senior;
• Level of investment. For example, is it a consensual one-night stand or long-term partners with children; and
• How closely you work together.

"Breakdown of former relationships can be tricky, even at the best of times, especially if that relationship has been long term or hidden, or involves a supervisor and subordinate," says Professor McDonald.

"All of those dimensions might be relevant in how it plays out and also what might happen after it dissolves."

Sian Khuman, a psychologist and couple and family therapist, says unlike a relationship in the "outside world", you can't just cut contact.

"It can impact their other work relationships as well."

Professor McDonald says couples who choose to inform their supervisors of the relationship at its beginning stages may find a fallout more manageable.

"If the relationship is hidden this can be more problematic.

"Declaring to supervisors can mean any conflict will be better managed, and also colleagues have transparency about who has a private relationship with who."

She also suggests workplace couples have a conversation early on about how conflict might be dealt with.

Things to consider when the relationship goes belly up

How you handle a breakup in the workplace will depend on many factors, but there are some considerations that may help.

Renegotiate the relationship

Ms Khuman says discussing with your ex-flame what the relationship will look like now the romantic part of it is over can be helpful.

Set new boundaries and agree to stick to them.

This can be harder in relationships where there is an imbalance, like when one person is more senior than the other, or one person has been hurt.

Avoid bad-mouthing the former partner

As tempting as it may be, sharing the dirty details of your failed relationship with team members isn't likely to help the working relationship move forward.

"Even if the parties are tempted to, they shouldn't denigrate the former partner," Professor McDonald says.

"In the end, it might make them appear the petty or bitter one if they do that."

Keep private details private

Separating the romantic relationship from the working relationship means not disclosing things you learnt about that person from being intimate with them.

"It's really important that people in that former relationship don't disclose private or sensitive info about that person that they become privy to only because of 'pillow talk'," Professor McDonald says.

Speak to HR for advice

If necessary, and if your workplace has one, reach out to the HR department for advice.

Tips for coping with the fallout

Ms Khuman says seeking professional mental health support will be important if you're finding the transition from lovers to purely co-workers difficult.

Some workplaces offer an Employee Assistance Program — free and confidential counselling.

Professor McDonald says it might be possible in larger organisations for an employee to transfer if there is tension.

But there needs to be care taken around that.

"It's often the woman and complainant who gets moved — and in any transfer there needs to be consideration that one person is not being disadvantaged."

For Lisa, she recommends ending things as amicably as possible.

"If your pride is injured — mine certainly was — remember that you are learning and growing from these experiences.

"But the person who hurt you will be stuck with that forever."

*Name changed for privacy reasons.