How men benefit from talking about their feelings

When you've been told to "harden up" your whole life, it's tricky to flip the switch and start talking about your feelings.

And often for men it's even more difficult to open up with someone close, like a significant other.

But there's so much to gain if you do, says Dr Zac Seidler, clinical psychologist and director of mental health training at Movember Australia.

"Men have never realised if they aim for an equal, vulnerable, meaningful connection with their partner, it leads to greater happiness, better sex. Everything is better when they aren't an emotionless robot." 

Thankfully, there's a shift happening. What it means to "be a man" also includes an invitation to talk about your emotions. 

But just because the door's been opened, doesn't mean it's easy for men to walk through it, Dr Seidler says.

"It's hard to find the words when you haven't used them before."

We spoke to Dr Seidler and a couple of men to hear why it's worthwhile opening up to the ones you love, and how you can start.

Why men struggle to open up

Not only do a lot of men still feel they need to "suck it up", it's not always received in an encouraging way when they do open up. 

"[Often] they don't receive the open ear or empathy and kindness for this type of behaviour that they should," Dr Seidler says.

"If you open up, and people aren't ready for it, you will immediately take that back — especially young guys, they will shut down."

Two decades ago, Duncan Stuart from Brisbane says negative self-beliefs held him back from ever talking about his insecurities, especially with partners.

"I had an inferiority complex; I just learnt to cover that up and mask it. Nobody ever believed I was anything but a successful, professional person.

"Deep down I was just faking it."

Duncan, who is a member of Queensland non-profit Men's Wellbeing Inc, says that changed when he took part in a short psychotherapy course.

"I just started to talk about how I was feeling and I never stopped."

That shift has been key in Duncan's romantic relationships.

"My first 50 years I just withdrew and was petulant and childish and sulked [if there was an issue].

"But now if something isn't right, I ask what's going on."

Dr Seidler says men becoming more vulnerable isn't about completely rewiring the concept of masculinity.

"There is this shame in burdening others — 'I should be in control, I should have my shit together.' And there can be great strength in those masculine norms. They can be useful.

"But when they are rigid, they become dangerous.

What men stand to gain

For 31-year-old Tristan Metcalf, being open about his feelings has been worth the risk.

Growing up in regional Victoria, Tristan never witnessed conversations around mental health.

But when he found himself struggling, he tested talking about it with some of his close friends.

"The thing that will always stick was how many of them were dealing with something similar."

When dating, Tristian likes to be upfront about his mental health challenges.

"People who you speak to you about it, if they had experience with that as well, they are quite happy to not have to hide that."

Hiding is too much hard work, he says — something many men probably feel drained by.

"Whether that's hiding it from friends or a romantic partner — it's much easier to just say it.

"More than likely they will be supportive. They can watch out for you."

Dr Seidler says sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with those close to you gives you a good mirror to your life.

"If you don't express what goes on to others, you don't get to see yourself properly.

"The greatest pain comes from that — feeling misunderstood at all times — and it's kind of on you, as you're not reflecting a true sense of who you are."

How to open up when you don't have the language

Men can worry if they start to share their feelings, they won't be able to stop, says Dr Seidler.

The fear of "once I start sharing this stuff, I've let the cat out of the bag and everyone will know I don't have anything together" is a battle for some, he says.

"What needs to be reinforced is the way this journey looks and the way this emotional connection works is it's not continuous. You don't have to be like this and cast in that role for the rest of your life.

"Pick and choose the times you know in yourself it's right to express yourself in that way."

He recommends starting with baby steps. If you aren't ready to share with your partner, try with someone you might find it easier to talk to.

"Practise on strangers — the key is if you can do it sober. 

"Move beyond the descriptive. Lots of guys will feel like they are sharing, but saying you 'feel like shit' is just being descriptive." 

Digging deeper on why you feel that way is a good start.

And it might be beneficial to seek professional support from a therapist who can not only help with what's going on for you, but give you strategies to share with others.